笑話是指一句短語或一個小故事讓說話者和聽者之間覺得好笑，下面是小編收集整理的雷人搞笑英語笑話（通用12篇），希望大家喜歡。
雷人搞笑英語笑話 篇1
At a pre-med university in St. Louis, we had to take a difficult class in physics. One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask Why do we have to learn this stuff?
To save lives. The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. So how does physics save lives? he persisted. It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school, replied the professor.
在聖路易斯的一所醫學院預科大學，學生必須修一門很難的物理課。一天，教授正在探討一個特別複雜的概念，一個學生粗魯地打斷他的話，問道：為什麼我們一定要學這種東西?
為了救人。教授很快回答，繼續講課。幾分鐘後，那個學生再次大聲堅持：那麼物理怎麼救人呢?教授回答：它通常可以把你這種笨蛋趕出醫學院。
雷人搞笑英語笑話 篇2
Peter joined the army when he was eighteen, and for several months he was taught how to be a good soldier. He did quite well in everything except shooting.
One day he and his friends were practicing their shooting, and all of them were doing quite well except Peter. After he had shot at the target nine times and had not hit it once, the officer who was trying to teach the young soldiers to shoot said, You're quite hopeless, Peter! Don't waste your last bullet too! Go behind that wall and shoot yourself with it!
Peter felt ashamed. He went behind the wall, and a few seconds later the officer and the other young soldiers heard the sound of a shot.
Heavens! The officer said. Has that silly man really shot himself?
He ran behind the wall anxiously, but Peter was all right. I'm sorry, sir, he said, but I missed again.
彼得十八歲那年參了軍，他需要參加幾個月的學習以成為一名好士兵。彼得在其他方面都做得很好，但是射擊不行。
一天他和夥伴們練習射擊，除了彼得其他人都沒有問題。他射了九次，一次也沒有命中目標。這時，教新兵射擊的教官說：彼得，你看來是沒希望了，不要連最後一發子彈都浪費掉!去那堵牆後面用它向自己打一槍吧。
彼得感到非常慚愧。他走到那堵牆後面。幾分鐘後，教官和新兵們聽到一聲槍響。
上帝!教官叫起來，難道那個笨蛋真的朝自己開槍了?
他急忙跑到那堵牆後面，發現彼得安然無恙。對不起，長官，他說，我還是沒有命中。
雷人搞笑英語笑話 篇3
A patient said to his doctor, "Doc, please give me something that will stimulate me, excite me, and put me in a, very, very highly stimulated spirit, a fighting, excited spirit."
So the doctor said, "Don't worry, take this, and after you see the bill, you will have all these feelings."
病人跟醫生說：“醫生，請給我一些可以振奮、刺激、充滿鬥志的藥。”
醫生說：“別擔心，這個拿去，看到這張帳單以後，你要的這些就都會有了。”
雷人搞笑英語笑話 篇4
Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee.
三隻烏龜決定去喝咖啡。
Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain.
它們剛到咖啡店的門口，就下起雨來。
The biggest turtle said to the smallest one, " Go home and get the umbrella."
於是最大的`那隻烏龜對最小的烏龜說，“你回家去取傘吧。”
The little turtle replied, "I will, if you don't drink my offee."
最小的烏龜說，“如果你們不把我的咖啡喝了，我就去。”
"We won't," the other two promised.
“我們不喝，”另外兩隻烏龜答應說。
Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle, "Well, I guess he isn't coming back, so we might as well drink his coffee."
兩年後，大烏龜對中烏龜說，“好吧，我猜他肯定不回來了，我們可以把它的咖啡喝掉了。”
Just then a voice called from outside the door, "If you do, I won't go."
正在這時，一個聲音從門外傳來，“你們要是喝了，我就不去。”
雷人搞笑英語笑話 篇5
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"
一個聲名狼藉的小氣鬼終於決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎麼找到他家時說：“你上到五樓，用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了後，再用你的腳把門推開。”
“為什麼我要用我的肘和腳呢?”
“天哪!” 吝嗇鬼回答，“你總不會空著手來吧?”
雷人搞笑英語笑話 篇6
"So you want another day off,”snorted the teacher to his student，Tom.“I am anxious to hear what excuse you have this time. You have been off for your grandfather's funeral four times already.”
“這麼說，你又要請一天假，”老師怒氣衝衝地對他的學生湯姆說，“我倒想知道你這次找什麼藉口。你已經請了四次假說去參加你爺爺的葬禮。”
Tom replied，"Today my grandma is getting married again.”
湯姆回答說:“今天是我奶奶再次舉行婚禮。”
雷人搞笑英語笑話 篇7
Midway Tactics
Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.
The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"
The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"
The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".
中間戰術
三個互相爭生意的商店老闆在一條商業街上租用了毗鄰的店鋪。旁觀者等著瞧好戲。
右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書：“大減價!”“特便宜!”
左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：“大砍價!”“大折扣!”
中間的商人隨後準備了一個大招牌，上面只簡單地寫著：“入口處”。
雷人搞笑英語笑話 篇8
During World War II, a lot of young women in Britain were in the army. Joan Phillips was one of them. She worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot of men, officers and soldiers.
One evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance. He said to her, "I‘m going abroad tomorrow, but I‘d be very happy if we could write to each other." Joan agreed, and they wrote for several months.
Then his letters stopped, but she received one from another officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England.
Joan went there and said to the matron, "I‘ve come to visit Captain Humphreys."
"Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here," the matron said.
"Oh, that‘s all right," answered Joan. "I‘m his sister."
"I‘m very pleased to meet you," the matron said, "I‘m his mother!"
在第二次世界大戰中，有許多年輕的婦女在軍營中服役。瓊.飛利浦斯是其中之一。她在一個大軍營中工作，當然遇到了許多男士，包括軍官和士兵。
一天晚上她在舞會上遇到了軍官漢弗雷斯。他對她說，“我明天就要出國，但如果我們能夠相互寫信，我會很高興。”瓊同意了，於是他們幾個月裡一直通著信。
後來，他再沒有來信。她收到了另一個軍官的信，告訴她，他受傷了，住在英格蘭的某個部隊醫院裡。
瓊到了醫院，她對護士長說，“我來看望軍官漢弗雷斯。”
“這裡只有親屬可以探望病人。”護士長說。
“噢，是的，”瓊說，“我是他的妹妹。”
“很高興認識你，”護士長說，“我是他的母親。”
雷人搞笑英語笑話 篇9
Two soldiers were in camp. The first one‘s name was George, and the second one‘s name was Bill. George said, "have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?"
Bill said, "Yes, I have," and he gave them to him.
Then George said, "Now I haven‘t got a pen." Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, "have you got a stamp, Bill?" Bill gave him one.
Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, "Are you going out?"
Bill Said, "Yes, I am," and he opened the door.
George said, "Please put my letter in the box in the office, and..." He stopped.
"What do you want now?" Bill said to him.
George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, "What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?"
軍營裡有二名士兵，一個叫喬治，一個叫比爾。喬治問：“比爾，你有信紙、信封嗎?”
比爾說：“有。”然後把信紙和信封給了喬治。
喬治又說：“我還沒有筆呢。”比爾又把自己的筆給了他。喬治開始寫信。寫完後把信放進信封裡，又問：“比爾，你有郵票嗎?”比爾給了他一張。
這時比爾站起來，向門口走去。喬治問：“你要出去嗎?”
比爾說：“是的。”隨即打開了門。
喬治說：“請幫我把這封信投進辦公室的信箱裡，還有...”他停住了。
“你還要什麼?”比爾問。
喬治看著信封說：“你女朋友的地址是-?”
雷人搞笑英語笑話 篇10
The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.
But John‘s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy‘s family name, so when he saw John‘s papers, he was surprised.
"How old are you?" he said.
"Eighteen, sir," said John.
"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"
"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."
大五個月
第二次世界大戰開始了，約翰想參軍，可他只有十六歲，當時規定男孩到十八歲才能入伍。所以軍醫給他進行體檢時，他說他已經十八歲了。
可約翰的哥哥剛入伍沒幾天，而且也是這個軍醫給他做的檢查。這位醫生還記得他哥哥的姓。所以當他看到約翰的表格時，感到非常驚奇。
“你多大了?”軍醫問。
“十八，長官。”約翰說。
“可你的哥哥也是十八歲，你們是雙胞胎嗎?”
約翰臉紅了，說：“哦，不是，長官，我哥哥比我大五個月。”
雷人搞笑英語笑話 篇11
My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College. Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms. Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, "to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point."
One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture. They explained, "We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point."
父親、哥哥和我到西點軍校去觀看一場陸軍與波士頓大學之間的橄欖球賽。開始之前，我們到處轉了轉，碰到許多穿著整齊制服的學員。幾名遊客問新兵是否願意擺出軍姿來讓他們攝。“好讓我們的兒子知道，如果他到西點軍校來學習會得到什麼。”
一對中年夫婦走近一名非常漂亮的女學員，問她是否願意擺個姿勢照相。他們解釋說：“我們想讓兒子知道他沒來西點軍校錯過了什麼。”
雷人搞笑英語笑話 篇12
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Shall I engrave her name on it?" the jeweler asked.
The customer thought for a moment, and then said, "No-engrave it ‘To my one and only love‘. That way, if we ever break up, I can use it again."
送給女友的禮物
在一家珠寶店裡，一位年輕人買了一個貴重的小金盒作為送給女友的禮物。“要我把她的名字刻在上面嗎?”珠寶商問道。
那名顧客想了一會兒，然後說道：“不--在上面刻‘給我唯一的愛’。這樣，如果我們鬧崩了，我還可以再用到它。”