英語笑話(1)
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一個大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人.
-- 他真是一個大人物.幹什麼的?
-- 墓地守墓人.
英語笑話(2)
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它們是從美國直接帶來的
一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久,到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元.在銀行櫃檯,銀行職員認真檢查了每一張鈔票,看是否有假.
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩,最後實在忍耐不住說：“相信我,先生,也請你相信這些鈔票.這都是真正的美元,它們是從美國直接帶來的.”
英語笑話(3)
my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不識字
布朗夫人：哦,
親愛的,我把珍愛的小狗給丟了!
史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊!
布朗夫人：沒有用的,我的小狗不認識字.”
英語笑話(4)
Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
給我那個打贏的吧
-- 服務員,
這個龍蝦只有一隻爪.
-- 對不起,先生,這隻肯定打過架了.
-- 哦, 那給我那個打贏的吧.
英語笑話(5)
The mean man's party.
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝嗇鬼請客
一個出了名的.吝嗇鬼終於決定要請一次客了.他在向一個朋友解釋怎麼找到他家時說：“你上到五樓,找中間那個門,然後用你的胳膊肘按門鈴.門開了之後,再用你的腳把門推開.”
“為什麼要用我的肘和腳呢?”
“你的雙手得拿禮物啊.天哪,你總不會空著手來吧?”吝嗇鬼回答.
英語笑話(6)
Advice for "Kid"
A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."
忠告“年輕者”
這裡想對將要退休者提一點忠告.如果你只有65歲的話,
千萬別進退休社群.因為那裡人人都七八十歲或者八九十歲了.每當要搬東西,抬東西或者裝東西時,他們就叫喊,“讓小的幹吧.”
英語笑話(7)
Which woman?
One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"
哪一位女人?
一天晚上我開著丈夫的車去購物,回來後發現車身沾滿灰塵,於是擦洗了一陣.當我終於走進屋裡時大聲喊：“世界上最愛你的女人剛擦洗了你的車燈和擋風玻璃.”
我丈夫抬頭看了看,說：“媽媽來了?”